did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
