and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
should my penis look like a turkey
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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