Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
