the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
