You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
