Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
