Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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