I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
