If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
