This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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