Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize