I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
