Sponge bath it is.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
