The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
