she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
