If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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