i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
