I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
being pregnant is like rehab
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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