If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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