I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
