I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
