I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
