I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize