I take back everything I said about communal showers
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize