Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
