life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize