she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
