We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
a search helicopter?!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
