The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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