She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
