On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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