Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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