You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
BRING THE BAGELS
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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