don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
