I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
