she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
