I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
