my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
