Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
