Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if only i could text you this smell
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
