I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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