I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
