Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
