& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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