i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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