Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
