thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
