Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
