my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have already put on my inside pants.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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