If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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