There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Gay?
German.
Pity.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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