Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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