She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
