apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
