I hate your face
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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