Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
