Well apparently he's into motor boating.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
