I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
